Doce Juvines: My quest for my true Vocation.

     Vocation is, indeed, a great, or one of the greatest, blessings that man may receive from God. I cannot sort out the words to present you a (definite) reason why, but at least I can tell you that it gives you meaning to live, a purpose for life, and a reason to be in this world. Vocation is not just a mission, it is indeed a gift, a grace; a blessing that can give your life a meaning. Of course, if we say vocation it entails work, but it is not a burden. Vocation is what defines your life.  However, a quest for discerning one's vocation is not so smooth as we wish to think. Challenges and trials would test your fortitude, and God's signs are not as easy to decipher as the words of our friends.  In this post, I am glad to present to you the story of my own quest for my own vocation.

     Three years ago, after I solved my dilemmas about my faith thus confirmed myself to be Catholic, I decided to enter into the seminary to quench my new interest, RELIGIOSITY. I was a graduating high school student then, and was discerning for a course I would take up for college. It was an immediate choice actually as I made the decision RIGHT-AWAY after I answered all my doubts about my Catholic faith watered, of course, by the active protestant preachers.

     I entered the seminary, mainly because I was interested to study about GOD. But moreover, it seems to be that fate pushed me there, as it was the choice I said to stop my elder brother from arguing about the course I would be taking up. I had so many options then, but my goal that time was to become a lawyer; my mother suggested it and I eventually agreed because it sounded interesting. I considered Psychology, AB Philosophy (doesn't mean seminary), AB Pol.Sci., Guidance and Counseling, AB English, Mass Communication, et cetera (though Psychology and Guidance Counseling is not a pre-required course for law, I still somehow considered them as a choice as I was also thinking to be a guidance counselor). None of those considered by my brother nevertheless. He wanted me to take up Accountancy. His reasons were: First, we had never known what would happen to me after I would graduate my first course. AB's, as he attested, has no main job as they were just preparatory courses. We cannot assure if I can find a work and can sustain my legal studies afterwards. Second, he was an Accountancy graduate, and he had lots of the course's books stocked in his room that he wanted to be utilized. Such idea is somewhat practical because I can spend less as my brother has lots of books and handouts. I disagreed it however. As long as I hated math, I did not like the idea of my kuya. Math is my weakness, and I fear that I would fail the course because I abhorred numbers for the rest of my life. I wanted English and Communication anyway; it is my passion. 

    I have passed entrance exams from the two institutions from Davao. I passed in San Pedro College for Guidance and Counseling, and in University of Immaculate Conception for Psychology. But after I silenced my brother when I told to consider the seminary, I finally fixed my decision. My brother did not argue any further because he knew what opportunity seminary would give me. What pushed me then? MEDITATION...

     In my final years in secondary school, I began my quest to know GOD. I felt it a calling anyway. I felt before that God did call me to know Him. I responded. I had (God may have given me) lots of pious classmates and a devout teacher/adviser. Everyday, they tackle about God. Their action made me convince that I am pushed to know Him. I happened to be interested when I hear people preaching around. Every time my classmates preached, I listened. I gave them all my ears with my whole intentions and joys. However, these active preachers were PROTESTANTS. My Catholic classmates did not care to talk with their doctrines otherwise. Protestants' preaching filled my curiosity. They gave me answers for WHO GOD IS, and HOW TO SERVE HIM.  Later on, it convinced me to doubt my Catholic faith. I raised questions commonly asked by them, and furthermore, I have been eclectic in my Christian doctrines -- adapting any piece of teaching from different sect, converging it and building my own belief (I didn't have any intention to build another church anyway).

     I became pious on that days on the other side. I started to listen worship songs during my leisure time, and miraculously eradicated my addiction and fanaticism to my favorite band then.  I began to practice going to church every Sunday, at a Catholic church despite my doubts on her (the church). Numerous vocation campaigns from the different (Catholic) seminaries where convened at our school and they caught my interest. However, my religious dilemma hesitated me. I did not want, of course, to enter the seminary with a doubt to the Catholic Church. In those days, I bore such questions in my mind.

     One night, few days after I graduated high school, I pondered all the questions I carried. Why do Catholics worship idols? Why do they worship Mary? Why do they worship saints?   Miraculously, the answers processed on my mind. All the Catholics' answers that I did not immediately understand sorted out. By just a meditation, my questions were answered: i.e. Catholics don't worship idols, images are just images in front; Catholics don't worship Mary, they just honor her as a mother of their faith; Catholics don't worship saints, they just honored them as heroes and models of their faith. They are, at least, the answers that satisfied my doubts. Eventually, I confirmed to myself, I SHALL BE A CATHOLIC.

     Having no reasons to hesitate with, I considered myself entering the seminary by these following

reasons.

1. The course is about God.

2. I am curious about what they say of the seminary life.

3. It silenced my brother.

     It was not my scheme to become a priest at first, I just considered seminary out of curiosity, so as a prerequisite course for law. Later on, however, I decided to pursue priesthood instead.

     June 7, 2012, I officially entered the gates of  Saint Peter Seminary, Butuan.

     In my dawn days in formation, seminary taught me, at least, the basic insights of life. Don't ask me to type them here, Basta 'yun na 'yun. tinatamad ako mag-type at magkalkal pa ng kahit ano sa utak ko. It was also here that I really encountered the word vocation. Honestly, I was then (completely) convinced that I possessed the word when I was in the seminary. Such a hypocrisy, perhaps. I always affirm to my co-seminarians (perhaps, boast them) that God brought me there. It makes me laugh until nowadays on how did I become so sure that I was for what I wanted to be. Nowadays, I feel that I was such a hypocrite during those days. I was happy there inside actually, despite of every shortcomings I underwent, I was still deeply spirited to continue. The feeling that, despite of every reason one is giving you to leave, there is still a force inside me that I would like to continue. I still feel happy and blessed despite of everything there. Well, I do not say that I was miserable inside, it is just trials are just ubiquitous -- they exist wherever you go. I was strongly eager to pursue my goal to priesthood, and was interested, indeed, to learn everything to become a good priest someday.

     Unfortunately, I stayed only a year in the seminary. Due to some personal(ity) problems, my formators suggested me to have a self-searching, paghahanap sa sarili.  They just suggested, but they gave me the power to have the final decission; it was not them who decided, it was "I" who made it; they made no decision for me but to give me full authority to decide for myself. Thus, I decided to take a leave of absence from the formation and do a self-searching for I did not feel myself ready to proceed to another step of formation actually, also, I felt that there was something in the outside world that I must learn that would not be found inside the seminary, that is why I considered their suggestion.

     I started to take my steps for my journey to the outside world "knowing nothing what lies ahead". It was so tempting to think of returning back as I was not sure what will happen to me there. I loved

my "vocation" and I feared to lose it if I take longer here. I did really (f***ingly) loved to become a priest someday that I fear this interest would be lost. That was the fear I only had, perhaps. I can't help laughing at myself today while I am writing this memoir.

     I returned to my hometown, Tandag, and enrolled myself at Saint Theresa College. Taking the course of AB, with no major, thinking that I would just stay here for a year and then return to the seminary. I just earned minor subjects here. However, I misinterpreted the words of my formators. I found out what they do mean to my program: if I am to take a leave of absence, I MUST finish my course, it was a SPECIAL PROGRAM FOR ME. Also, because I considered finishing a course before I go back to the seminary for a surer fortune, I took up Bachelors in Secondary Education in the following year.

     Everybody in STC asked me why I chose Education. I answered them eventually, "I just feel being called here". I actually considered AB English as it is, somewhat, more advantageous for me. I can use my English course when I return to my previous school; the units are less in number comparing to that of education, by that, I can stay here shorter that I can go back to the seminary as sooner as possible, which would avoid me to something I "feared"; and the course is less hectic than what I had chosen. Yet, I have some eagerness here in my heart to take up Education. Something that "I can see myself being here". Despite from the ease that my reason knows about AB English, I still chose BSEd English.

     Having my mind fixed, I visited St. Peter's on its feast day, February 21-22, 2014, to have fiesta treat, to meet my classmates, and to talk with the formators regarding my decision. A night before the fiesta, after I exchanged natters with some of the seminarians there, mainly by showcasing my knowledge (yabang no? yaan niyo na paminsan-minsan lang naman), one of my seniors in the seminary talked with me in private. He praised me for my intelligence (in which I'm aware, chos... hahahaha #yabangminsan), of my virtues (chaaaaaaaaaar, ambait ko daw! tuo mo?) and so on. He said that I had such knowledge to share, and virtues to influence others. After such complements, he uttered the words "Jade, teach the young". He said that this might be my mission, to teach the young of my knowledge and virtue (wag na sana yung virtues, i don't feel worth it e <pabebe tone>) whether I would be a priest or not. I considered his words actually. Maybe, he was just an angel of God sending me those words; or an angel descends to his person just to utter those words to me. He had a big point actually. After that private talk, I spend a time for a while to ponder all the words I heard from him. Reminiscing my journey I had in STC, and this strange eagerness about entering Education makes me think more that he had a point.

    My life as an Education student never came so easy somehow. I have faced a hectic, busy and

stressful school life. Education had lots of units to be complied, copious projects and requirements, and side-by-side activities. I had said, Education years was my most stressful years in my student life. Education was quite costy too. Aside from a higher tuition, one can also spend lots of money from photocopies, projects, and art materials (as creativity was graded, every works of ours must be decorated). Subjects are tougher than I expected. They challenged, almost killed our intellectual capacity. In short, Bachelors in Education consumes almost your entire time, effort, money, and mental health. Yet, despite of that, I was happy of what I was doing. I have found meaning for myself on the path that I was in. Even how difficult the course I've chosen, even if it gave me every reason to surrender, there is still some force inside to continue what I am treading. I was happy to be challenged by it. The feeling that I had felt when I was in the seminary and when I entered the path of Education is equally the same (I intended the redundancy emphasis) somehow. It resulted me to a confusion on where God would send me.

     Teach the young. I always bear the words in my head, making me confused about God's way to me. I don't know where God wanted me to go, to teaching or to priesthood, or perhaps a teaching priest. I love both. I found meaning in my life when I find myself serving the church, and when I am teaching someone. I don't know... I'm confused...

     As I stay longer here in STC, the one that I "feared" happened, yet I cared no longer. My desire for priesthood languishes somehow, but it is already fine for me. I am not minding it any longer. I am open for any possibilities God would lead me to. Though my desire for priesthood is still on my mind, I already consider it as an option. I am okay with everything, and I already embraced my life here outside.

     I enjoyed my life here in the outside world. Here, I had found lots of things about myself that I had NEVER done in my high school years. I was aloof before. I was a bully victim in my secondary-school life that made me fear the world. I'd never done such journey in my early adolescent years as I felt no one welcomes me to the community. Thanks to my formators by suggesting me so. I have found my own talents and capacities when I went outside the formation house. I have found out I have something I can do to the community (Naa diay ko'y mahimo). I was given a wider horizon to explore myself and to try anything that measures my own capabilities, which I supposed to do during my high school days. Also, I was given a wider horizon to learn new things which I may regret if I stayed in the seminary. Most importantly, I have found that I could be accepted by people by just believing in myself, and sharing them the talents God has given me. In the outside world, I learned to integrate myself on everything, and to value a never ending thirst for knowledge.

     However, as I accepted my fate that I may not be designed for priesthood, there was just

Me, with two of my classmates in the seminary

something that triggered my confusion. In an evening of December, 2015, SPCS convened a concert in Tandag. I was supposed to attend at our school's Christmas Party held at the same time, but my mother did not allow me to go as I got sick a night before, and she demanded me to take rest although I already have recovered. But when my father asked me if I wanted watch the concert, I immediately begged my mother to go with her (as she was one of the staffs). My mother would not heed my pleadings then as it was a rainy night; in fact a signal, #1 typhoon affected our place's weather. I did miss my classmates and companions in the seminary, and I feel I would die if I miss to see them that night. So, after successive pleadings I have done to my mother, she finally gave consent. I went there wearing jacket, though weird, it was my usual outfit when I have just recovered, or recovering, from ills. At that night, I felt a priceless happiness seeing them, talking with some of them, and exchanging our how are you's. When we got home at close to midnight, I wasn't able to sleep immediately savoring the happiness I had earlier.

     Few days after Christmas, a three-day Special ASSET Assembly was also held at Diocesan Pastoral Center, Tandag City. I attended of course. During the assembly, I have done some of my pious activity which I missed while facing my busy life in this outside world. I was given more time to pray and spend an hour with God. Also, I was given an opportunity to talk and mingle with the other seminarians, which obviously I missed somehow. Again, I felt certain happiness being with them. A priceless happiness that I could treasure for the year. Only then I realized, I AM HAPPY WHEN I'M WITH THE SEMINARIANS.

     In an evening of January 1, 2015, Fr. Philip invited all the seminarians of Tandag Parish to have a dinner-party at his family's residence before they departed to their respective seminaries on the following day. Though Fr. Philip did not invite me personally, I went. My co-seminarians invited me anyway. I did not care if the priest expected me or not. All I care is I could spend a last moment with them before we would part our ways to our different lives. So, I savored the night. I merry with them, and sing with them. I still can't believe how I stoop out from my introverted silence, maybe because of my development here in the outside world, or just it was no a large gathering, we were just 7 seminarians with the priest; a setting that an introvert like me really loves. But no matter how perplexing the occurrence is, I enjoyed the night, and that was what mattered to me.



     In my quest of finding what my vocation really is, I reminisced every job I wanted to become. The options I dreamed of:

1. A priest
2. A teacher
3. A writer
4. A guidance counselor
5. A psychologist
6. An artist
7. A theorist.

     As I pondered all of them, I found out what is common to them: to influence everyone, and I could somewhat say that this is my vocation. I think I am called to teach the young, to teach the world, to influence everyone, and/or to heal with their spiritual poverty. The reason that God let me to be interested with personal development in manners, intelligence, competence, and virtues is that He wanted me to teach people on anything. So as to leave an idea, contribution, influence, and legacy to this world and to many generations when I depart to this world.

So be it.